Joke Thread

[Jimmy]

This is a story about a drunk. His wife has told him that if he ever comes home drunk again she will leave him.

Nonetheless he goes out. He drinks a lot and throws up all over himself. He turns to his friend and asks what he can do. His friend is helpful.

“Go home,” he says. “Tell your wife someone threw up on you. And put a twenty pound note inside your jacket pocket. Show her the money and tell her the other man gave it to you for the dry cleaning bill.”

So this he does. His wife is at first angry. But he explains. He tells her about the drunk man who threw up on him. He shows her the twenty pounds.

She looks. “But why have you got two £20 notes?” she asks.

“Oh,” he says. “The other one is from the man who shat in my pants

[UserName]

As a fan of the term "pink nosed puppies" I was delighted to see Jess on Channel Report turn to Kristina and say "You've just had your puppies vaccinated haven't you?" LOL

[Jimmy]

It's Tough Getting Old

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him,

"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"

[Tosh]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend from St Ouen and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister Rosie.

My prospective sister-in-law is twenty-two, wears very tight miniskirts, and generally goes bra-less. She regularly bends down when she is near me, and I always get more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law Hedley hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car!!