Haggis

Defence Secretary Des Browne today announced the successful completion of he sea trials for the UK's newest frigate.

HMS Indecisive is the first of the so called 'Class Q Subsection 2a' warships o be built under the government's new rules of engagement.

Armed with two forward firing gun turrets for purely ceremonial purposes, the ship's main line of defence comes in the form of the three decks of dministrators, efficiency consultants, risk assessors, and a political correctness officer.

The latest state of the art conference facilities help ease the burden of paperwork, EU directives, and government targets.

Highlights of the launch party will include a speech on welcoming immigrants and improving ethnic diversity by Jeff Lewin, MP, and advice for Asian asylum seekers from Commander P. Rich (retired).

A small mosque is situated aft, also a women's discussion workshop in the bridge, next to the breast feeding facility. A small amount of explosives are carried on board, these are for use in animal rights operations.

Wheelchair access is as standard. Male crew members will not be allowed to
assist female crew members, as this would lead to female low self esteem and
lack of confidence.

Along with its crèche facilities and aromatherapy centre, Indecisive also has a fully equipped boardroom where navy personnel can run stress counselling services for hostile lesbians.

The ship is armed with two white flags, fore and aft, and can be scuttled in a
class-leading fifteen seconds.

In the case of a real emergency, the ship is also outfitted with communications gear allowing them to make immediate contact with the nearest US navy battle fleet.

Trouble is not expected, as the ship will be protecting Greenpeace vessels,
and whalers are not sually armed, except with hoses.

Lesbian outreach coordinators will be in charge of crew essentials.
The crew have a choice of foods that include halal or vegetarian.

Indecisive has no whistle or sirens, which cause noise pollution.

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