Joke Thread

[Jason the Maverick]

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile,

a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on

a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture

it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and

then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it

and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it,

have sex with it again and then burn it," said

the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist

said: "Meow."

[Jimmy]

This brightened up my day at work lol.

A woman in her thirties returns home after a lesson
with her fitness instructor, happily jumping
on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do
you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the
matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
I don't care what you think. I just came from the
gym and my fitness instructor says that not only am I
healthy and fit, but I have the breasts of an
18-year-old.'

The husband replies, 'Ah yeh what did he say about your
42-year old ass?'

'He never mentioned you,' she replied.

[Haggis]

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP
( miss-match )





A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, "Licence and registration, please"


London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign"

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming"

Glasgow cop says "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir"

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says..
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

[Haggis]

ODE TAE A JOBBIE

Wee sleekit steamin lump o' turd,
Ye made me scream oot loud....my word!

Wi' crusty sides, ye tore ma piles,
As oot ye slid, for seeming miles.

Ah pushed and strained wi' all ma might,
Tae gie ye life, ma bonnie shite.

Yer body seemed tae come and come,
O fairest fruit o' ma ain bum.

Aye, oot ye crept, it took ye ages,
Just inch by inch, in foot long stages.

Ah held ma breath, as doon ye drapped,
Until....Relief! Ah could've clapped.

Yer birth, it's true, wis awfy sair,
Ah could'nae take it any mair.

But noo ye're born, ye're on yer ain,
Ah willnae see ye, e'er again.

So fond farewell tae jobby mine,
Ah'm sure ye'll get along just fine.

It's time tae part, forget the pain,
So get tae f*ck noo, doon that drain.

Wi' one great flush, ye're gone, och well,
Yer reek still lingers, whit a smell!

Aye, gone ye are, but no' forgotten,
Ah must hae eaten sumthin rotten

[Haggis]

The sharing of marriage....

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered..








'THE TEETH.'

[Bundy]

A chinese man has invented a bra that stops woman's nipples sticking out when its cold, and from bouncing up and down when they run.................his colleagues have punched f**k out of him

[UserName]

What's the difference between Heather Mills and Northern Rock?
One has 25 million, is on its last legs and f~~ks old people for their savings...

[Bundy]

Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious

Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent asked

'What are you selling' here

One of the men replied sarcastically,

'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said,

'You are doing well ... Only two left!'

[Bundy]

Paul Gascoigne has been sectioned under the mental health act and sent to an institution for retards with no chance of recovery. "We're glad to have him back!" says Walter Smith

[Bundy]

A chap goes to the Council for a job.
The interviewer asks him - "Have you been in the armed services?"

Yes" he says "I was in the Falklands for three years."

The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says "Yes 100%... a land mine blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy "OK.I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM . to 4:00 PM . You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM ."

The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "

"This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that........."