Joke Thread

[ascottboy]

The Pope has just finished a tour of Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, the Pope asks the chauffeur if he might drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have much choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the red and blue lights of a CHP cruiser in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.

The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper calls in and asks for the Chief. He tells the Chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how to handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again, is it?" asks the Chief.

"No Sir!" replies the trooper, "This guy's more important."

"Is it the governor?"

"No! Even more important!"

"Is it the PRESIDENT?"

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the Chief.

"I don't know, Sir," replies the trooper, "But he's got the Pope as his chauffeur!

[Haggis]

Think carefully before answering.....

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he
came into the house and asked her...



"Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room

and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.


"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony said, "Oh!... OK!" and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily....

"Grandma! ....It isn't called sexual intercourse - it's called Bunk Beds!


..... And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you!!"

[ascottboy]

A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pockets. On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her.

He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, "It's all right, they're just golf balls."

She nodded and smiled sympathetically said, "Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"

[ascottboy]

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternooon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout 'Shit, missed'.

The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder, the priest could hold his tongue no longer. "Don't swear like that" he told his friend, "or God will punish you". The builder apologised and the game continued.

As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted "Shit, missed." and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes.

The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said "I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!"

Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out "Shit, missed". Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead.

Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "Shit, missed!"

[Haggis]

Q. What do Elephants use as Vibrators?

A. Epeleptic Pigmies..

[ascottboy]

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

[ascottboy]

Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems every where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit...

This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress.

And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree??

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree...

[ascottboy]

What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan !

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No you can have turkey like everyone else !

What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner ?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when " !

What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ?
My pop is bigger than yours !

Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
The turkey - he's always stuffed !

What bird has wings but cannot fly ?
Roast turkey !

Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
Your teeth !

We had grandma for Christmas dinner ?
Really, we had turkey !

Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?
You get tinsel-itus !

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ?
Grave-y !

[ascottboy]

Mother bought a huge turkey for Christmas dinner.
'That must have cost a fortune!' I said .
'Actually I got it for a poultry amount,' she said.

A man went to a butcher's and saw that the turkeys were 90p a pound. He said to the butcher, 'Do you raise them yourself?'
'Of course I do,' the butcher replied. 'They were only 50p a pound this morning!'

How do you tell the difference between tinned turkey and tinned custard?
Look at the labels!

Did you hear about the stupid turkey?
It was looking forward to Christmas!

Who made this Christmas pudding?
Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool.
What did he use to make it?
Elf-raising flour, of course.

Last year's Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean.
That's probably why the ocean's full of currants!

I'd like Father Christmas stew.
Er... how do you make Father Christmas stew?
You keep him waiting half an hour!

Is that policeman eating turkey?
No, he's eating truncheon meat.

This turkey's disgusting!
Well, you asked for a foul roast!

This turkey tastes like an old settee.
Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing.

What's brown and creeps around the house?
Mince spies!

[ascottboy]

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
Deep pan, crisp and even!

What did the grape say to the peanut butter?
"'Tis the season to be jelly!"

What do ducks do before Christmas dinner?
Pull their Christmas quackers!

What do you drain Christmas dinner brussel sprouts with?
An advent colander!

What's the most common wine at Christmas?
Do I have to have the brussel sprouts!

Will the Christmas pudding be long?
No, it'll be the traditional round!